Archive for the Our Lord Satan Category

Enough with the fucking demons and zombies, already.

Posted in General, Our Lord Satan, Rants on November 1, 2007 by Kit

Recently I bought a new game: Frolicky the Puppy Visits the Daisy Patch.On the box was a picture of the eponymous adorable little puppy, gleefully rolling in a field of daisies and butterflies. A happy sun beamed down on the entire tableau.

I thought to myself: “Just the thing to cheer me up! This game will get rid of the giant Grumpus that has been taunting me all day. Some sunshine and whimsy is just what the doctor ordered!”

So I took the Puppy home and plugged the disc into my PS3. There was soothing music and pretty colors. Adequate levels of frolicking. It was bliss.

As I progressed, zombies started to attack. They didn’t make much sense in the game, but it was a Japanese import and sometimes you’ll have that. Shrug.

At the end of the first level I’m faced with the usual crappy boss-battle. The boss I’m fighting is obviously a giant winged minion of the Dark Lord Satan. He has horns and wings, and a flaming sword. He probably speaks with a forked tongue, I can’t tell. He has trampled down the Puppy Patch and burned all the daisies and butterflies. Every time he hits the Frolicky Puppy with his giant flaming sword, fountains of photo-realistic blood splatter everywhere.

What the fuck, Game Developers?

What is with you and zombies and demons? I’m sick of them. Sick of fighting them. Sick of all your different not-so-creative ways of renaming them. Don’t think that fools me!

Why do you have a compulsive need to work zombies and demons into any game, no matter how thin the rationale? Is it just because you liked Doom that much back in 93? I liked Doom, too. But it’s been a decade and a half. I’ve moved on. Why haven’t you?

I feel like the last remaining character in a survival horror film. Only, instead of making a last ditch stand against the ravenous hordes from Hell, I’m tempted to just dive in and get eaten out of sheer boredom. I’ve been battling these same creeps for almost half my lifespan, obligatory shotgun in hand.

(Note to Jack Black: Don’t worry, Brutal Legend is still destined for a special place in my heart. I’ve already given it 5 stars without even playing it.)

Before I wrote this post I opened up my ancient copy of the AD&D Monster Manual. Yes, I still have it. First edition, motherfuckers.

Inside I found pages and page and pages of monsters that weren’t demons.

There was a panther… with tentacles. And some kind of floating eye thing. Let’s not forget the various animal hybrids. Like the squid/shark, or “squark.” Or my personal favorite, the owlbear. That’s creative monster design.

Oh yeah, I guess there were some demons too. But the important part here is that there were lots of other things.

I’m not about to just stop playing any games that feature zombies or demons. I’m not a Christian, for Christ’s sake. Many of my favorite games feature them prominently. I just yearn for something new. Some goddamn originality. Games are technologically better than they ever have been… why does that have to mean a trade-off on creativity?

Oh, and aliens that resemble the alien from Alien are also on my hit list. That has to end. Dead Space, I’m looking at you.